How can I help my child . . . ?
- identify the signs of bullying and harassment
- recognize bullying behavior in themselves and others
- respond to bullying of themselves and others
How Do I Know If My Child Is Involved in Bullying?
When children start elementary school, they will be socializing, trying to make new friends and finding ways to belong in class. They may also start to experience behaviors and words that can be hurtful and mean. At a young age, children may not be able to tell the difference between teasing and bullying. They may confuse playful, good natured teasing with bullying or they may ignore the signs of a bully if they don’t understand that the behavior is unacceptable.
The National Association of School Psychologists show that 33% of elementary aged children report being bullied on a regular basis at school. They also state that 20% of kindergartners report being bullied often. For this reason, it is important that even young students understand the signs of bullying and that they feel comfortable sharing this with a trusted adult.
According to the Center for Disease Control and the Department of Education, bullying is defined as behavior that:
- is unwanted, aggressive, and intentional.
- involves an imbalance of power or strength (real or perceived).
- is repeated (or likely to be repeated).
Common forms of bullying include:
| Type | Examples |
|---|---|
| Physical | hitting, punching, tripping, kicking |
| Verbal | teasing, taunting, threats, name-calling |
| Social | excluding (leaving out) from a group, spreading rumors |
| Cyberbullying | posting online comment or photos, spreading rumors via social media |
| Property damage | intentionally damaging or stealing the victim’s belongings |
Some characteristics of bullying that are different from playful teasing are (1) bullying is one-sided. Only one child is participating, (2) teasing may be a part of a relationship, but bullying defines it, and (3) teasing often ends when someone says “stop,” while bullying usually does not.
When bullying behavior focuses on a specific aspect of the victim’s personal identity, for example race, religion, disability, or sexuality; it is considered harassment. Harassment along with other severe bullying behaviors, like hazing or assault, are considered criminal offenses.
You can help by talking to your child about bullying. Help them identify and avoid engaging in bullying behaviors, and teach them how to respond when they or others are the target of bullying or harassing behavior.
Warning Signs of Bullying
Signs a child may be experiencing bullying | Signs a child may be engaging in bullying |
|---|---|
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Why It Matters
While youth bullying is nothing new, it should not be considered normal behavior or shrugged off as just “kids being kids.” All children deserve to feel safe and respected at school, as well as online. In fact, they need to feel safe and respected in order to learn, succeed, and thrive.
Bullying can have serious, long-lasting effects on victims, including physical, emotional, psychological, social, and educational harm. Students who experience bullying are at increased risk for anxiety, depression, sleep difficulties, lower academic achievement, and dropping out of school. Teen suicide related to the emotional impacts of bullying is also on the rise.
It is not only those who are bullied that suffer the consequences. Children who witness it may become anxious for fear that they will be bullied next. They may also experience shame for not sticking up for someone who was being harassed. These feelings can also have negative consequences academically and emotionally.
Check-In:
Because most instances of bullying happen at school, it’s a good idea to have a conversation with your middle schooler about their experiences. With your child, talk through this questionnaire to learn more about their knowledge and experience related to bullying or harassment.
How true are these statements about your school environment?
|
Not true |
Somewhat true |
Very true | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| I feel safe at school. | ` | |||
| If I have a problem. I feel comfortable going to a teacher or another adult to get help. | ||||
| Students help one another. | ||||
| Students respect one another’s differences. | ||||
| Other students in my school care about me. | ||||
| Other students at my school are there for me when I need help. | ||||
| My school / The adults at my school actively discourage(s) bullying. | ||||
| I approve of the way adults at my school handle and respond to bullying. | ||||
| How often do you think these things happen between students at your school? |
Never / Rarely |
Sometimes |
Often | |
| Students shoving, hitting, or picking fights with other students. | ||||
| Students saying mean things to other students. | ||||
| Students spreading rumors or lies about students they are mad at or don’t like. | ||||
| Students telling lies, spreading rumors, embarrassing, or threatening other students online. | ||||
| How many times did these things happen to you in the LAST 30 DAYS? |
0-3 times |
3-5 times |
More than 5 times | |
| Other students shoved or hit you. | ||||
| Other students left you out of a group on purpose. | ||||
| Other students called you mean names, or made fun of or teased you in a hurtful way. | ||||
| Other students told lies or spread false rumors about you. | ||||
| Other students threatened you online, or posted mean or embarrassing comments or false rumors about you on the Internet. | ||||
| How many times did you do these things in the LAST 30 DAYS? |
0-3 times |
3-5 times |
More than 5 times | |
| I shoved or hit other students, or I encouraged others to do so. | ||||
| I left others out of a group on purpose, or I encouraged others to do so. | ||||
| I called other students mean names, made fun of them, or teased them in a hurtful way, or I encouraged others to do so. | ||||
| I spread false rumors about another student, or I encouraged others to do so. | ||||
| I threatened someone online, or posted mean or embarrassing comments or false rumors about them on the Internet, or I encouraged others to do so. | ||||
| Reflect on your discussion and your child’s answers to the questions. What information was new or surprising for you? For your child? If you have concerns about your child being bullied or harassed, or participating in these kinds of behaviors themselves, the next sections offer ideas and resources to help you support your child and do your part to prevent further harm as a result of bullying and harassment. | ||||
Connect & Communicate:
Children Experiencing Bullying
Parents or caregivers are often the last to learn about incidents of bullying or harassment. Bullying–especially cyberbullying–often goes on without the knowledge of adults at school or at home. Children who experience bullying or harassment may feel scared, embarrassed, or ashamed, and may be unsure who to talk to or how to express what they are going through.
Older elementary school children may be using a cell phone for the first time and may visit sites where cyberbullying is taking place. Try to delay giving them a cell phone for as long as possible and even when they do, get one that does not have social media. If you do, find ways to monitor where they are going and talk to your child about online safety. Discuss some of the downsides to being on social media.
If your child shares an experience of being bullied with you, tell them:
- They are not alone. You and others who care about them will support them.
- They (and all students) deserve to feel and be safe at school and online.
- It is NOT their fault if they experience bullying
- Reporting bullying and cyberbullying (whether they themselves or someone else is the target) is the first step to preventing and stopping it.
- Adults have a responsibility to prevent and stop bullying.
Children Participating in Bullying
It’s difficult for any parent to imagine their own child engaging in bullying behavior. If you are concerned that this is the case, it’s important to talk to your child and find out the reasons. They may be going along with others in a group, using bullying as a way to fit in, or there may be other underlying emotional issues.
Talk to your child about what bullying behavior is and looks like and the harm their behavior could cause to others. You can also check out these resources for more support:
Child Mind Institute: My Child is a Bully
Stomp Out Bullying: What To Do If Your Child Is A Bully
Pacer: What If Your Child is the One Showing Bullying Behavior?
In both situations above, communicating with your child regularly about their social life and how things are going at school is one of the best ways you can help prevent bullying.
Start the Conversation:Chat regularly with your child about their school day and their social life:
Share your own experiences:
Ask direct questions about bullying:
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Activities to do with your child:
Coloring Book: Print this coloring book and talk about bullying while you do this activity with your child. https://www.pacer.org/bullying/classroom/elementary/activities/coloring-book.asp
Watch Together Against Bullying Videos: Watch these videos produced by the National Bullying Prevention Center and discuss with your child. https://www.pacer.org/bullying/classroom/elementary/united-video-series.asp
Conversation cards: Download these free cards to keep the conversation about bullying going https://store.samhsa.gov/product/15-Make-Time-To-Listen-Take-Time-To-Talk-About-Bullying-Conversation-Starter-Cards/sma08-4321
Role play or discuss scenarios: Discuss different scenarios related to bullying like the ones here. https://freespiritpublishingblog.com/2015/11/03/10-scenarios-to-get-kids-talking-about-bullying/
Role play different scenarios with your teen and ask them about the perspective of the different people involved– the bully, the person being bullied, and the bystander or witness.
Watch videos from Stop Bullying called “What Kids Can Do,” and discuss the topics with your child. This site also has a lot of great information for parents as well.
Watch and discuss a movie or read a novel with a bullying theme. By watching something together, you can note topics, themes or situations that come up in movies or by reading a book. This can be an easier way to talk about bullying and harassment than using real life problems.
Read and discuss this article with your child https://www.myschoolmyrights.com/harassment-and-bullying/
Chart of Similarities and Differences: Help your child see their uniqueness and the similarities/differences they have with others. Have them list the ways they are the same or different from other family members and peers. This helps them see what they bring to their peer group and how others contribute too.
Someone Else’s Shoes: Play a game where you try to imagine how others feel and what they think. This helps them generate different perspectives and also increases their ability for empathy.
Discuss and/or write about quotes: Take the quotes below and have your child discuss what they think it means and/or journal about it.
- “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” — Ian Maclaren
- “Each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness. No one deserves to be bullied.” — Barack Obama
- “Don’t you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can’t be exactly who you are.” — Lady Gaga
Contact & Collaborate:
Work with the school and communicate with school personnel, such as your child’s teachers, school principal, counselor, or superintendent. This is an important first step in addressing and preventing bullying and harassment.
- Look into the bullying and harassment policies available on your child’s school website or in the student/parent manual. Contact the school counselor immediately to get support if you suspect your child is affected by or involved with bullying or harassment.
- Reach out to school staff. This may include teachers, principal, counselor, social worker, coaches, diversity awareness coordinator, or other staff who may serve as a support to your child while they are at school.
- Find out if there is an anti-bullying programs or conversations at your child’s school. Join it or recommend that your child become a member.
- This website offers specific steps, resources, and contact information for bullying and harassment https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/get-help-now
- Ask about the bullying-prevention measures and anti-harassment policies in place at your child’s school.
- Find out about specific supports, for example, affinity groups, for LGBTQ, BIPOC, or students with disabilities.
- Join a local parent group on social media.
Continue Learning:
Explore these resources for more ideas on how to support your child with Bullying and Harassment Prevention.
Prevention
Parent Page: Stomp out Bullying https://www.stompoutbullying.org/parents-page
Stop Bullying: National Bullying Prevention Resource: https://www.stopbullying.gov/
Pacer Bullying Prevention Site https://www.pacer.org/bullying/info/
PTA.org (podcast): How to Handle Bullying
Parent Cue: Helping Kids Learn to Deal with Friends Who Are Mean
Just Kids Health (podcast): Bullying and Cyberbullying
Podcast: Bullying Prevention https://blubrry.com/liveabovethenoisechoicefull/52637136/episode-23-bullying-prevention-julie-hertzog-director-of-the-pacer-national-bullying-prevention-center/\
Anti-Bullying Alliance (website): Page for parents and caregivers https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-and-support/advice-parents-and-carers
Connecting for Kids (podcast): Is It Really Bullying?
Cyber-bullying
Specific Resources for cyberbullying https://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/how-to-report
Cyberbullying Research Center (podcast): Cyberbullying Advice to Help Parents Protect Kids https://cyberbullying.org/podcast-cyberbullying-advice-to-help-parents-protect-kids
